Self-Compassion: Befriending Our Inner Critic
We all have experienced a voice in our head when we feel we’ve “messed up” or done something “wrong”. For some of us, that voice can be so prevalent and loud that it alters our mood, our ability to function, our relationships with others, and most importantly the relationship we have with ourselves.
We often don’t think that maybe that voice is trying to protect us. Perhaps that voice is scared, anxious, or not even our voice at all but what we’ve heard and been conditioned to believe about ourselves from a young age. We put too much emphasis on the negative of the voice vs. staying curious about where it comes from.
Self-Compassion begins with meeting yourself exactly where you are. Simply being aware of what is happening at this exact moment. Self-Compassion can be preparing your mind and body for gentler approaches vs judgment, creating an awareness of your emotional experiences, recognizing you are worthy, or building resiliency and compassion for all of you- NOT just what feels “good” and “successful.”
What is Self-Compassion:
The ability to mindfully turn our caring and supportive nature toward ourselves and our struggle to strengthen resilience and courage- even in the face of life’s toughest challenges.
Treat yourself like a close friend or loved one.
The goal of Self-Compassion:
Developing skills and awareness to build a fulfilling value-driven life from a position of strength, acceptance, and self-love.
Mindfulness
The most effective skill is Mindfulness. Actively paying attention to your inner world and letting go of what you believe you should be thinking, feeling, or doing. Through various mindfulness techniques, you can learn how to just observe what is happening. Simply allowing what is to be what is.
“Mindfulness helps you go home to the present. And every time you go there and recognize a condition of happiness that you have, happiness comes.” – Thich Nhat Hahn
I encourage you to wonder how often do you feel ‘home’ with yourself?
Furthermore, we can think of this as ‘The Observing Self’- the part of you that can step back from the experience of your thought or emotion and just observe what’s happening. This is often very tricky- As our inner critic tends to come in to distract us from being quiet and present. That’s okay! Through befriending our inner critics, we first need them to trust us. Be patient with yourself and try not to get frustrated. Through positive self-talk, you can reassure your inner critic they can trust the process by sitting back and observing.
Self-Acceptance
Compassion is more helpful than cruelty. Self-acceptance and self-compassion can remind us that we are not alone, rather than beating ourselves up for flaws, let us extend kindness to ourselves.
Grounded in your Values.
What is the ‘blueprint’ of you? What makes up your foundation? What colors represent you? What’s important to you?
When you look back on your life what do you want to be clear about you and what you stood for? Identifying your values can help guide your decisions and actions to help you understand what matters most to you.
Let’s try this now in a simple exercise.
To begin, I’d like you to take a few moments to get comfortable, maybe stretch, and take some long deep breaths….
Great….
Now two more…
Inhale…. And exhale...
Perfect.
Now gently bring forth some of the negative self-talk phrases you tell yourself. What does that voice sound like? What is the tone of the voice? Is it even your voice?
Perhaps this voice is saying “I’m not good enough”, “They won’t like me”, or “I’m always messing up.”
Next, notice your feelings about yourself and try to offer yourself kindness and compassion instead, like how you would offer comfort to a child. Just noticing the feelings and not applying judgment, but curiosity to them.
Keep breathing….
Now offer your inner child the care and love that they deserved but rarely got. With your soft and supportive voice say to yourself…
“I am a soul of love. A heart of peace. A mind of stillness. A being of light.”
“I am here, and that matters”,
“I am enough.”
Allow any emotion you may be feeling to release. Simply allow yourself this moment to be home with yourself.
Deep cleansing breath….
You did it!
Lastly, I encourage you to praise yourself for showing up for yourself. This work isn’t easy and often isn’t comfortable. That’s why we are here to help. If you’d like more information on inner child healing and self-compassion, please reach out to us! Exploring the foundations of self- compassion practice can naturally lead to deeper healing and lasting change.
Written by Laura Know, LMSW