Chaotic Families: Am I really the problem?
After the summer, when relaxation and heat begin to fade, for some of us, the sting of dread begins. The impending doom of those ‘get-togethers’ with our families and in-laws. Why are we even celebrating together? How will we possibly manage?
For those with chaotic, and dysfunctional families this feeling is all too real. The wish for something different. The longing for that ‘Hallmark picture-perfect’ family without yelling, screaming, and chaos year after year.
Perhaps you grew up in a dysfunctional family with significant mental health issues, riddled with substance use, judgmental criticisms, or an abusive parent. For some of us, we married and blended into already established chaotic dynamics, struggling to find our place. And if you are really lucky…. You might be experiencing both!
You feel drained by their energy, confused, hurt, unable to trust, and at a loss for how to navigate yourself, along with how to deal with them appropriately.
What is a Chaotic Family?
A chaotic family dynamic, also known as a dysfunctional family, is one without healthy and appropriate boundaries. A dynamic that makes us feel unsafe. Examples of this include poor communication and conflict resolution, unhealthy coping skills, unrealistic expectations, unpredictability, erratic behaviors, cruel or hurtful language, manipulation, humiliation, gaslighting, and more.
If you grew up or are currently in a Chaotic Family, you might:
Have difficulty trusting others.
Struggle with your attachment style (Anxious, Disorganized, Avoidant, Ambivalent)
Have low self-esteem.
Experience mental health symptoms such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, mood irregularities, and personality disorders.
Self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.
Experience grief and sadness at what you ‘wish it could be.’
The first step is acknowledging everyone has varying difficult family dynamics. You are not alone. The next crucial step is taking care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who make you feel seen, validated, and uplifted. Having a healthy support system can counteract or act as a buffer against the negativity of your family.
What to do….
Healing can look different based on circumstance, safety, and level of chaos. Through therapy, you don’t have to be alone in figuring out what you want out of these relationships.
Here are some adaptive ways to manage your “Chaotic family.”
Set appropriate boundaries:
Gently decline this year’s Thanksgiving/Holiday. For some, it could be taking a break, making less contact, or perhaps making the decision to go “no contact.”
“I’d rather us not talk politics or emotionally activating topics today. Let’s keep it light and change the subject.”
Excuse yourself for some fresh air.
Have an exit plan/ set a time to leave.
No is a full sentence.
Limit the information you share:
“I’m doing really well thank you for asking, I’d love to hear more about you…”
Remember, not everyone needs to know everything about you. Some information is sacred, empower yourself to keep things to yourself and only share when you feel safe.
Take time to feel your feelings:
Your feelings matter.
Know your limits/ and triggers.
Grieve the loss of what you wanted the family to be.
Process how you are feeling with a trusted friend or support from a therapist.
Learn coping strategies and techniques:
Engage in deep breathing and other mindfulness strategies. Example: Inhale for the count of 5, hold for 5, and exhale for the count of 5. (Do this 4 times when you are feeling overwhelmed)
Journal, paint, draw, and tap into your creative process.
Treat yourself to a massage, or acupuncture to relieve stress.
Focus on the “Good”:
Try to keep a healthy structure when with family, focusing on playful and happy activities such as board games, movies, preparing food, or taking a walk together.
If you are able, focus on times when you were happy with them. This can aid in avoiding ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking.
If there isn’t any “good” you can pull from, imagine how you would want it to be, who you are, and want you want your role to be in the dynamic.
Recite a mantra to yourself before, during, and after interactions.
Healing and Moving Forward
Caring for yourself may not come easy when surrounded by these complex dynamics. This is normal and there are plenty of resources out there available if you are struggling with family or attachment style. You don’t have to hold the weight of this alone. Connecting with a therapist can be beneficial to process and untangle your thoughts and emotions.
Lastly, no one has a Hallmark movie family- those roles are created by writers and played by actors. Real life is messier, painful, and at times unbearable. Yet, it can also be filled with laughter, joy, bliss, and happiness.
To find out more about how therapy can help you manage chaotic family dynamics, reach out to me, Laura Knox, LMSW for more information.